Do You Have A Tribe?
RuPaul Charles is one of my heroes. I know this is controversial, but hear me out on this one. On their podcast, What’s The Tee, RuPaul and Michelle Visage repeatedly encourage struggling young people to build their tribe. Your tribe is typically not your family, unless you have a close family member who is particularly supportive. Your tribe is your chosen family. They are the people who lift you up when you are down, bring you down to Earth when your ego takes over and remind you who you are.
Your tribe are the people you can be entirely yourself around. The friends who encourage you to break outside your comfort zone and check your preconceived notions. One of my best friends never let up on pestering me about trying a spin class. Four year later, I’m a spin addict and I’m all the better for it. She knew I would love it, even before I knew.
Humans are naturally imperfect and make mistakes literally all the time. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn, grow and improve for next time. But, if you ruminate on the mistake and let it take over, you can spiral or end up in a perpetual feedback loop. Your tribe will help make sure this doesn’t happen. Your tribe will call you on your bullshit and force you to face the music.
So, how can you tell if you have a tribe or not?
Can your friends disagree with you?
If you are surrounded by yes people, chances are you don’t have a tribe. Your tribe will agree with you on fundamentals but if you’re making a move that doesn’t seem well thought out, they’ll ask the tough questions. I never thought that my dad would be part of my tribe, but during my job hunting process I have come to realize that he is. He encourages me not to settle, reminds me of my worth, and guides me when I feel I’ve stumbled. He can tell me the tough truth knowing that, while it might be hard to swallow, it’s for my own good. Your tribe should be able to give feedback (positive or negative) and you should be receptive to their commentary.
Are all of your friends exactly alike?
Group think occurs more frequently among groups with high group cohesiveness. This means that if all of your friends are pretty much from the same socio economic background, are about the same age and have similar personalities, you will all begin to think similarly. It’s good to have friends who are different from you in some way, as diversity adds differing opinions and a contrasted world view. This can simply mean that your tribe consists of work friends, friends from high school or university, and perhaps a family member. My tribe includes my two closest friends from university, my mom and dad, my closest friend from my last job and my best friend from high school. These people are all different in some way, challenge me, and can all tell me the cold, hard truth without losing my respect and faith.
Would you lose touch with some of your friends if you didn’t live physically close to them?
Your tribe can withstand distance, time, ups and downs, and life transitions. If your friends are only friends because you work with them or live around the corner, they are not your tribe. Your tribe are the people who might live in a different time zone but you can call them in a moment of need and they are there for you. You might not speak to them every day, or even every month, but when you pick up the phone it’s as if no time has passed at all. You can just pick up where you left off.
Having a tribe is a two way street. Just as you want your tribe to be honest with you, you have to be honest back. It’s a reciprocal relationship. Don’t expect someone to be part of your tribe if you aren’t part of theirs. Everyone in your tribe may not be super close with each other but they know each other peripherally. That’s ok. It’s your tribe. Nurture it, honor it, own it. You’ll be all the better for it.
